the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
