Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
