I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
