At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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