I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
