I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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