is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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