I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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