when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
