and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
