She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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