Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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