I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
