I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
