i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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