U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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