my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
