if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
