Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
