Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
