Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
