I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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