ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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