don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
