I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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