just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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