my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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