It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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