smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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