he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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