what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
