I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
