I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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