Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
