I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
