Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's never too late to be topless.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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