Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal