I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
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I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends