what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.