i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
