I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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