I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
