My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
