well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
