Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
