I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
