Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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