I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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