Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
