Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
