i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
