can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
