The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
