I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You took a bar mat shot.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
