I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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