This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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